I’ve read so many articles written by beautiful hearts sharing their journeys, lessons, thoughts, and experiences along life’s path. This one touched me deeply I had to share.
Rest in peace, Kara. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with us.
Editor’s Note: On March 22nd, 2015, Kara Tippetts went home to be with Jesus after a long and difficult battle with cancer. While she was here, she touched so many lives, and helped people understand how you can find God, even in the midst of suffering, even in the midst of the mundane. Kara’s response to her terminal brain cancer was filled with grace, hope and peace. This devotional comes from her final book, And It Was Beautiful. We hope these words will speak to you in a special way today.
Life without a Bucket List
I can confidently say I don’t live with a long list of things I want to do, see or complete before I’m done in this place. I carried a dream for years of having a farm. I was in love with all things Wendell Berry. I could picture it, the life of routine created by the land and its rhythms.
But beyond that, I’ve never longed for having a list and checking things off. I’m happy with my old cars, my simple wardrobe, my lack of fancy things and vacations. Don’t get me wrong, I do love a good concert, but I also love an organic dance party in my kitchen. I love great food, but I also love a hot dog over the fire pit in my backyard. I love a hike in the mountains, but I also love a walk around the block with my people.
Last week, when I heard I may have another long road to travel on this journey, I turned to Jason and cried. I told him how day after day this place is losing its grip on me. Driving down the street, this place sometimes feels so [vulgar], so wanting my money without care for my heart.
Billboards blare at me what to buy, what to think, how to vote. But the tie that binds me here is relationships. Sickness makes those bonds more real, more important. It’s people who grip my heart.
Suffering has a way of exposing our theology, certainly our practical theology, where what we believe about God collides with where we live. My heart always hurts a little when someone hears my story and begins to question God’s goodness.
I have found that suffering makes my faith more childlike, more simple. Our ideas of God are not necessarily made bigger or more grandiose through suffering, but they are simplified as we wade through the unknown of what comes next.
Last week, in that unknown, I was smooching on [my son] Lake and the thought hit me that I won’t be around to help him navigate his first heartbreak. I was in a public place and I nearly lost my footing because of the fear that gripped me in that moment. I looked up and saw my growing girls and was almost suffocated by the thought of who will help them during the awkward years of puberty. Shouldn’t it be me? That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? Can’t I stay and be here for them when they need me?
The truth is none of us know the length of our lives. So we pray for daily bread and say thank you when it comes. For today I have a little boy who will cross the room to give me a hug. I have a baby girl who gives me 10 kisses when I ask for five. I have a preteen who still holds my hand in public, in front of her friends even. I have a second born who loves to tell me every tiny detail of her day. I have a guy who makes coffee just like I like it.
A bucket list? No, I don’t need one. I’m so rich. It’s relationships that matter. And for me, paying attention to the precious gift of today is the only thing on my list.
Dear Lord, thank You for the blessings that I have, the friends, family, relationships, even the material possessions I own. But Lord, please let my heart not rest in these. Let my heart not grow hard, or grow weary when You decide that something should be taken from me. May You forever be my ultimate rock and resting place. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
This is a wonderful guest blog, covering a very difficult topic. Please give it a read and a share! Thank you, the “Diva”
I find myself again writing the most difficult of posts. Three years ago it was about one of my high school students who chose to take her own life. This time tragedy struck in our church youth group as on Tuesday we lost a 16-year old girl to the most unlikely of things for someone so young – cardiac arrest.
Her name was Elizabeth and she was a sweet, sweet girl. She was so pleasant to be around. Smiles adorned her face at every turn. And such a committed follower of Jesus.
So young…so healthy…so just getting started on life.
And then she was gone in a heartbeat.
You can read the account as shared by her mother on her Facebook page. As a parent it will make you want to hold your kids tight and cherish the moment. I sure did when my wife and I returned from the hospital.
The toughest part about being with the family at the hospital and helping them work through the funeral arrangements this week was that there are no answers. There are no answers to the “Why did this happen?” question. There are no answers to the “What happened (physically)?” question. There are no answers really at all to how this happened to a perfectly healthy young girl.
And because there aren’t it intensifies the hurt.
Maybe those answers will come one day but right now they are missing. And it’s really just left our entire church and all who know the family in fog. An answer starts you on the path to some closure. The absence of one makes the event linger in your mind.
How do you live through a tragedy when there are no answers? I really don’t know. What I would have to offer as advice would be shallow and simply a guess. Only those who’ve dealt with that are capable of giving an accurate picture of what it’s like.
One thing I do know for sure though is that you need help. You need help from family. You need help from friends. You need help from professionals like pastors and counselors who can lend an ear and offer perspective.
And you need help from God who is the author of answers and the only place to turn when there are no answers forthcoming from human minds.
Sunday night, the day after Elizabeth’s funeral, we held youth group at my house. It was tough because one of our members was missing but she was still on everyone’s mind. So as 40 of us sat and talked around a small campfire, I asked the question, “What have you learned this week?”
“Time is short,” said one.
Another shared, “Nothing is guaranteed. We have to make the most of the time we’ve been given.”
And then this, “We need each other. It’s been nice to see everyone pull together to help people in pain.”
By the time we walked away from our campfire gathering, that seemed to be the overwhelming sense of what our youth group came to terms with. That when there are no answers or when you are just dealing with junk in your life, you have to reach out and hold on to those dearest to you, whomever that may be.
If you have a moment today, lift up a short prayer for Elizabeth’s family. Pray they will find some answers to their questions. And pray that God’s strength and compassion will follow them for many days to come.
Questions: Have you ever dealt with a tragedy where there were no answers? How did you get through it? What’s the best thing a friend or family member has done for you when you were hurting? Are you making the most of the life you’ve been given? If not, how could you turn that around?
I love to cook, I’ve been interested in cooking since I could eat, I think! I remember standing on a chair around age 4 learning how to make biscuits from Mammie (my maternal grandmother) . . . and also beginning to ‘invent’ my own recipes. My first was adding sugar to peanut butter, mixing it up, and patting it into ‘cookies’ then freezing it. My sweet grandmother patiently let me experiment, then would explain why it didn’t work out like I thought it would.
This guest post brought back those sweet memories. I hope you enjoy this guest blog as much as I did.
I shouldn’t keep it, but I can’t throw it away. Dad cleaned out another cupboard and asked me if I wanted any of Mom’s cookbooks. I have a cupboard stuffed with cookbooks already. But I had to look. I had no problem turning away from the nice, new looking books. But then I saw it. The tattered, falling apart Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book. And I was helpless to turn my back on it.
The book was copyrighted in 1953. Mom probably started out with it as a young bride. And the cookbook was part of my whole childhood. The red and white gingham checks with the silhouettes of black pans on the cover shout home and comfort to me.
I leaf through the pages, many of them loose now because the holes have torn. I look for some notations in Mom’s handwriting, and am disappointed to find…
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” Regardless the medium, you have to speak to them in ways that can capture people’s attention. Stay fresh and relevant, interesting and even iconoclastic, because that’s who these people are. In other words, be non-funeral.”
A share from a fellow blogger.
Watching Jackson Browne and the remaining Eagles performing during the Grammy Awards this past week really got me thinking. Man, these guy are OLD. Well, NO, not really. They’re not much older than I am, and in my head, I’m far from old.
In fact, as I think about some of my musical idols, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, Tina Turner, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, and others…these rockers are still going strong…and they’re in their 70s! And just behind them are Bonnie Raitt, Alice Cooper, Steven Tyler and a bunch of other icons who are deep into their 60s but a very long way from the retirement home.
So what does “old” mean in 2016? A generation ago, anyone 65 or older was handed a gold retirement watch, their first social security check and a free ticket to the Pearly Gates valid anytime. But today, you see people in their 60s…
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This is a good article from Healgrief.org about handling your grief when everything is reminding you of your loved one. I thought it would be an especially good share during this holiday season. Peace to you, Patti
Coping with loss is never a simple process. The initial feelings of loss do lessen over time, but they can be instantly brought back up into your life at the most random times.
Have you been to a funeral recently? Was it held at a funeral home?
Traditional funerals have been undergoing a lot of changes in the past few years. They are being personalized more and more to reflect the life lived. I’ve seen motorcycles, quilts, paintings…even home canned goodies made by the deceased being handed out as people left the service.
The ‘trend’ that is becoming more and more in the forefront is the location – where funerals are being held.
Outside in a park, inside movie theaters, in the event centers you’ll now find located at many funeral homes and – of course – churches.
Today, the Gen-Xer’s,Baby Boomers, Hipsters and Millennials are returning home. More and more funerals are having home funerals. . . read more about it below from this re-post from Cremation Solutions blog.
Bringing The Funeral Home…..Home
If so, you’re not alone – home funerals are growing in popularity across the country. Gen-Xer’s,Baby Boomers, Hipsters and Millennials are seeking to transform institutional, cookie-cutter grieving rituals into personalized experiences that reflect the values, beliefs and wishes of the deceased, and in many cases, that means holding an intimate home funeral in lieu of a formal service.
Home funeral advocates claim that home funeral services allow loved ones more time to experience a healthy, natural grieving process – without the formality and unfamiliarity that often comes with holding a funeral in a strange, sterile place. Others suggest that home funerals help to make the passing of a friend or family member easier, because holding a funeral at home lets mourners spend time together in a warm, personal environment. Sometimes in the actual home of the newly departed, what’s more personal than that!
And speaking of environments, environmentalists are among the growing list of home funeral advocates, thanks to the eco-friendly nature of holding a service at home, and skipping chemical-laden processes such as embalming. I on the other hand see no reason to not have the body embalmed even for home funerals (They Just Look Better). Don’t confuse home funerals with green burial, were just talking about the location of the funeral or visitation, you can
still have burial or cremation in the traditional sense.
Some experts have contributed the rise in popularity of ‘alternative funerals’ to the growth of hospice services, and the corresponding awareness around issues related to dying and death. As more and more people consider how, and where, they’d like to draw their final breath, the topic of funerals and cremations has now evolved into a social movement. Anytime family members actually talk about final wishes and discuss needs and wants it’s a good thing! “Have The Talk” check out The Conversation Project.
The Cost of Home Funerals
According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the average cost of an adult funeral, complete with viewing and burial, is $8,508 (2014) – a cost that has increased by 29.3% in just 10 years.
By contrast, the average cost of a simple cremation in the United States is approximately $1100, and simple urns can be purchased for under $200.
The actual cost of holding a home funeral is highly variable, with lavish events running upwards of $20,000 or more, and simple services running anywhere from $200-$1000. Factors that impact the cost of a home funeral include:
- Whether or not the body is prepared for viewing prior to burial or cremation
- If a casket is used, and if so, the price of the casket (or materials, if it’s homemade)
- Cost of floral arrangements
- Hiring an officiant (such as a celebrant, priest, pastor or minister)
- Catering services/ chair rental
- Alcohol and beverages
- Purchasing dry ice (to preserve a non-embalmed body for viewing)
- Cleaning services to prepare the home for guests
- Entertainment (musicians, poets and/or singers)
Some grassroots-level home funeral advocates suggest cutting the cost of a home funeral by using a home-built casket made from recycled materials, and asking mourners to bring food to share, pot-luck style. Other cost-cutting measures include forgoing a casket altogether and either having direct cremation prior to the home funeral, or simply leaving the deceased lying in their own bed after their body has been properly washed and prepared for viewing.
Home Funerals – Reviving Old Traditions
While the concept of a home funeral might seem unusual in today’s aseptic world, the fact is that home funerals were the norm until the mid-1800′s, when funeral homes began to pop up across America. In many areas, home funerals were commonplace through to the mid-1950′s and beyond.
Prior to the advent of modern funeral homes, families would care for their own deceased, by preparing the body, and holding vigil over the casket in the parlor room
, kitchen or bedroom. Many estate homes even featured a ‘death door’ – a concealed
door leading directly outdoors from the parlor, allowing for easy removal of caskets.
Modern embalming is also a relatively new process, developed during the U.S. Civil War as a way to preserve the bodies of soldiers killed on the battlefield. Dr. Thomas Holmes found that by replacing all the blood in deceased bodies with a solution containing arsenic, decomposition could be delayed, providing wealthy families who could pay the embalming fee with enough time to transport their loved ones home for their final goodbye. Ironically, Dr. Holmes requested that he not be embalmed upon his own passing.
Is A Home Funeral Legal?
The last thing grieving family and friends holding a home funeral want to deal with is a run-in with the local authorities, so if you’re considering hosting an at-home service at some point in the future, it’s a good idea to check on the applicable laws in your area.
According the National Home Funeral Alliance, “in every state and province it is legal for families to bring or keep their loved one home until time of disposition (burial or cremation).” However, it’s important to note that depending on where you live, you may be required by law to involve a funeral director in your home funeral plans.
So, the simple answer is yes, home funerals are perfectly legal throughout North America (and no, embalming is not required by law).
The Home Funeral Advantage
Although home funerals aren’t for everyone, those who have experienced “home death care” first-hand say that the experience is perfectly natural. It allows for a completely personalized, customized funeral that is not bound by morticians’ schedules or the cost constraints associated with ‘traditional’ services, providing family and friends with the chance to say goodbye – on their own terms.
In some cases, the deceased have the opportunity to plan their own home funerals, choosing everything from the food they’d like served to the clothes they’d like to be cremated in. Even the actual funeral or memorial ceremony can be planned in advance. Today some prefer a less religious ceremony and opt for a more personal and spiritual ceremony. For this style of ceremony I recommend you employ the services of a certified “Funeral Celebrant. You can locate a celebrant in your area here. Celebrant Foundation and Institute. You can also hire a celebrant to write the ceremony but have someone else like a friend or well spoken family member officiate. Celebrant Writing Service. Advocates say this process is great for everyone, providing time for everyone to be included in the home funeral process. In the long run, this can help with the healing process.
If you’d like to learn more about cremation and the home funeral experience, contact your local home funeral advocacy association or better yet ask your local funeral home if they can arrange for home funerals.
If you’d like to learn more about cremation and the home funeral experience, contact your local home funeral advocacy association. In some cases, the deceased have the opportunity to plan their own home funerals, choosing everything from the food they’d like served to the clothes they’d like to be cremated in. Advocates say this process is great for everyone, providing time for everyone to be included in the home funeral process. In the long run, this can help with the healing process.